Captain Red Rum & The Pina Colada Armada
Season 2, Episode 6
Dick Figures - Captain Red Rum & The Pina Colada Armada

Dick Figures - Captain Red Rum & The Pina Colada Armada

Air date June 30, 2011
Episode run time 2:52
Episode guide
Fang Angels
Y U So Meme?

Captain Red Rum & The Pina Colada Armada is the sixth episode of Dick Figures Season 2 and the sixteenth episode of Dick Figures. It follows Red and Blue as pirates looking for mermaids.


Red and Blue make dat ass kraken in a high seas showdown with Pink's bountiful treasures.



(On a pirate ship.)

Red: ♪Ohhh, 13 flies in a dead man's ball sack, 14 holes in a seagull's kayak, 15 spots on the Mask of Rorschach! Earlye in the morning.♪ Avast ye, mate-ster. Shiver me portside and Buckle-swash the poop deck.

Blue: You have no idea what you're talking about, do you?

Red: Nope.

Blue: How can you like being a pirate? Don't you get seasick all the time?

Red: Hogwash! (throws up) (Normal voice) That's just how I sneeze. (Pirate voice) Ahoy, wenches! Blast due southward!

Wenches: Aye-aye, Captain Red Rum!

Purple Wench: (approaching Blue with a drink) Piña colada, Lieutenant Blue Balls?

(Blue sighs and drinks it.)

Blue: (thinking) Piña coladas, whatever, what a girly drink, this is really good. (ends thinking)

Red: Arr, matey, once we find a ♪real live mermaid♪, we'll be rich and famous! And handsome!

Blue: Aaaand, how are we supposed to find one?

(Red shows a fishing pole with a worm on the hook)

Blue: Really?
Pirates Women

Pink and company

Red: (casting the line into the water) Yarrr. And now we wait.

Red: (peering through binoculars) HARK! Up the Starbucks bow! (A ship full of women approaches. The captain is Pink.)

Red: Hmm, 'tain't mermaids... (pirate voice) Avast ye, scurvy bitches!

Pink: Avast ye, fucknuts, you're in our waters, now give us your gold!

Red: You're in our waters, now show us all your boobs!

Pink: Nay, hand over your plunder!

Red: Nay, reveal your teats!

Pink: Fork up the doubloon!

Red: Let fly your melons!

Pink: Give us the loot!
Battle of ships

Battle ship

Red: Gazongas!

Pink: Never!

Red: (to his wenches) Fire!

(Both ships exchange fire and Pink's ship sinks.)

Red: Hahahahaha! To Davy Jones' arse with ye!

Blue: Holy shit, dude! Did you just kill my girlfriend?!

Red: Pssh, no. 'Tain't official yet.

(Shows Blue's Facester page awaiting confirmation that Blue is in a relationship with Pink. He repeatedly refreshes the page.)

Blue: Any minute now. Any minute.

Blue's facester page

(Shows ship. Someone sings while line is being pulled.)

Red: Mermaid!

Blue: Mermaid?!

Raccoon: Sashimi!

Lord Tourettes (as the mermaid): Hahaha! Whoa! Why hello, young SEMEN!

Red: 'Tis an ugly mermaid.

(Lord Tourettes giggles.) thumb|222px|link=File:OMG.png

Raccoon: I would not eat-a the sushi.

(Lord Tourettes falls onto the deck and grows a pair of human legs. He laughs and Red & Blue scream.)


Lord Tourettes: Oh, splendid! Now, I'm a real boy!

Red and Blue: SEA DEMON!

Red: Kill him!

(He shoots Lord Tourettes with a pistol, then Raccoon throws his meat cleaver at him and finally Blue pulls a string for the anchor, which hits Lord Tourettes who falls into the water and gets chased by sharks.)

Lord Tourettes: (drowning)...FUCK!...(more drowning)

Blue: Well, we found the mermaid. Can we go home now?

Red: Nay! Because, now we're handsome!

Blue: What?!

Red: Wenches, more piña coladas! (Grabs Blue's piña colada and drinks it)

Blue: Hey, that's mine!

Red: ♪If you like piña--♪

-Episode ends-

(The screen then reads "DICK FIGURES season 1 soundtrack out now on iTunes featuring a hot verse from THE RACCOON!")

Raccoon: (offscreen) What?!

(The screen reads "ONLY $2.99".)

Dick Figures Title

Dick Figure 21

Captain Red Rum & The Pina Colada


  • This is the second time Red dresses like a pirate, the first time was in Role Playas.
  • "Piña Coladas" is the title of the song that Red sang in the episode "Attack of the Pwns".
  • This is the first time Pink dies.
  • When Red mentions "15 spots on the mask of Rorschach", he references the hero of the same name from "Watchmen".
  • The women in this episode might be the ones from A Bee or Something.
  • The episode unveiled the musical score soundtrack of Dick Figures Season 1 on iTunes.
  • This is the second time Red, Blue, and Pink are in a fantasy world, the first time being Role Playas.
  • This is the first episode where all of the main characters are involved.
  • Facester is a parody of Facebook and Friendster. Even though there is a website named Facester, it is not a social networking site.
  • When Red is looking through the binoculars and the screen shows what he's looking at, it should only show what he is looking out one eye because he is wearing his eye patch.
  • Red's, Blue's, and Lord Tourettes' icon are the same as Twitter icon, only usernames are not the same.
  • This is the fourth time the thumbnail didn't feature Red, Blue or both.
  • This is the first time the "I"s have been replaced by something circular instead of something rectangular or oblong.
  • Blue's wallpaper in his desktop are the turtle dragons having sex.
  • Red's ship logo is the same one of his ship in, Attack of the Pwns.
  • The woman who hit Red with a beer bottle in Panda Hat appears again in this episode on Pink's ship.
  • When we see Blue's Facester page the URL is
  • Red Rum spelled backwards is "Murder", which is a reference to the movie, "The Shining".
  • Red's pirate outfit is the same costume in Role Playas.
  • This is the first episode to show Pink as a potential threat to Red and Blue.
  • The music that plays at the end is part of the Season 2 Soundtrack sound piece, the "Android Symphony."
  • Red uses pure pirate language in this episode, not breaking his character until the very end of the episode.
  • When the wenches of Red's crew say "Aye aye, Captain Red Rum", there are two girls (one purple on the left of the ship and one orange on the right) that don't have breasts. This is either accidental or that there are female characters who are adults, but have flat chests.
  • This is the 2nd time Red kills Lord Tourette (kind of) the 1st time was Role Playas
  • The rhythm of the song Red was singing in the very beginning is to the tune of a famous sea shant, "Drunken Sailor".
  • This episode made it's TV premiere with the thirtieth episode of Like, Share, Die.

Changes Made in the Like, Share, Die version

  • The Dick Figures title was shown in the beginning. At the end of the episode, the credits of Like, Share, Die play instead.
  • Racoon's lines were cut out.
  • Loud Tourettes shouting "FUCK!" in the water was edited out.
  • Pink's line that contained "fuck" in it is censored.

Recurring Gags

Auto-Tune Use


Red Floating

When Red says Hogwash and "sneezes" he appears to float.

Red puking. If you look at his position, he floats.

Episode Ending

The "I"s in "Dick Figures" were replaced by piña coladas.

The Last Line Being Cut

Red was singing "Piña Coladas", first sung at the end of "Attack of the Pwns"

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