|Season 5, Episode 7|
|Air date|| March 27, 2014 (Download) |
May 8, 2014 (Mondo)
May 15, 2014 (YouTube)
|Episode run time||3:16|
A Hobbit of Thrones
(The Episode opens with Red and Blue tied up under a trash compactor.)
Blue: Oh my god! How did we get tied up in a trash compactor that's on fire with the Russian Mafia pointing Machine Guns at us?! (the camera zooms out to show four Russian Gangsters pointing guns at Red and Blue)
Red: Dude, I have no idea! I blacked out like six years ago.
Russian Leader: Where is our Vodka?
Blue: Uhh, tell them where their Vodka is, Red!
Red: Man I'm so hungover I don't remember anything.
(The Russian Gang members point their guns at Red.)
Red: Wooaah! I mean it's, all coming back to me!
(Flashback begins with Red and Blue heading to a Liquor store.)
Blue: (speaking over Flashback) We were going to the Liquor store to buy booze for the party right?!
Red: (speaking over Flashback) Oh yeah!
(Red and Blue head into the story.)
Red: Sup comrade? I'm-a get my Red Menace on tonight! What you got for me?
Russian Store Manager: Red Menace! We've been expecting you. Here, take this.
(He hands Red a suitcase, containing a bottle of vodka.)
Red: (gasps) Free diamond vodka?!
Russian Store Manager: I was never here. (points a gun to himself) Das Vidonia!
(He shoots himself.)
Red: Ho ho man! I'm about to hammered and sickeled!
Blue: I can see nothing bad happening from this.
(Cuts to Red and Blue driving in a monster truck.)
Red: Dude! I think this has actual diamonds in it! (drinks)
Blue: They're cutting my stomach! (vomits out blood) Oww!
Red: DAS VIDIAMOND!
(Red and Blue crash into a strip bar, a girl begins lap dancing with Red.)
Bodyguard: Hey! If you can't pay you can't get a lap dance.
(Red burps out a diamond which lands on the girl's boobs as she blushes and moans seductively.)
Red: Lap dances for EVERYONE!
(Everybody except Blue start dancing.)
Russian Citizen: I love lap dances!
Russian Citizen 2: He is a true communist.
(Goes back to the Liquor store. The Russian Mafia are investigating the area.)
Russian Leader (Probably "RED MENACE": The Americans have beat us to it men! (speaks Russian)
Russian Member: Boss, what are you saying?
(The words RED MENACE are in front of a red star. It shows Red and Blue skydiving as Red is set on fire. It then shows Red opening a bear cage, releasing a bear which chases Red and Blue. Red and Blue continue to do more crazy events including riding a police car, flying a plane, and getting service with the bear while Red continues to drink the Vodka. It then shows Red at the Hospital, who appears to be dead.)
Doctor: We're losing him! Get the paddles!
(Two more doctors rush in and hit Red with the paddles.)
Doctor: He's DEAD! (smiles) Good work men.
(Montage continues with Red whipping the angry bear, and cuts to the three riding in a motorcycle. The Russian gang are driving right behind them as they shoot the bear, killing it. As we go to Red and Blue attending the bear's funeral when Red pours the last of the Vodka on his coffin.)
Red: (notices) Oh I guess that's it.
(cuts back to the Trash Compactor.)
Red: I know man. (sniffs) He was a good bear.
Blue: Not that! You drank all their vodka?!
Red: Uhh, if it comes in a brief case it's free! Capitalism!
Russian Leader: CAPITALISM?! Kill them!
(They press a red button, as Red and Blue are about to get crushed, when Red suddenly farts out a large diamond as it lands in the leader's hands.)
Russian Leader: (gasps) Das Vidiamond...
Russian Member: Daaayooommnnnn.
(They press the button and stop the crusher)
Russian Leader: Thank you, American comrades. The wealth of our nation has been lost since the dark years, but now that you have made it whole again, our people can stop drinking Vodka so much, in search of it. Adios muchachos.
(They walk off-screen leaving Red and Blue behind)
Red: Dude, we still need booze for that party.
(They are suddenly crushed to death.)
- This was the second time this season Red and Blue have died.
- This was the second episode that had no swear words in it. The first was Sex Marks the Spot.
normal letter I's, the Dick Figures logo shakes, and the Episode Ending is dextended. In the YouTube version it showed a sneak peek for Trash God, but in the Mondo version it showed a promo for Dick Figures Season 5.