Kung Fu Winners
Season 3, Episode 10
Dick Figures - Kung Fu Winners

Dick Figures - Kung Fu Winners

Air date January 26, 2012
Episode run time 5:48
Episode guide
Pleasure Cruise
Losing Streakers

Kung Fu Winners is the 30th episode of Dick Figures and the Season 3 finale.


When ninja a-holes steal Blue's girlfriend, Red's called in to defuse the situation -- WITH MOTHERF***ING JUMP KICKS .


Minor Characters


(Blue and Pink are walking outside of a Chinese store.)

Pink: Wow, Blue, I've never been to Chinatown before. (They stop.) I always knew you were cultural.

Blue: Hong Kong.

Pink: So where are we eating?

Blue: Oh, you know, just a little place called... The Golden Lotus Dragon.

Pink: (enthusiastically) The Golden Lotus Dragon?

Blue: Yyup! Best "cho mee-en" in the whole city.

Pink: What's "cho mee-en"?

Blue: That's Chinese for spaghetti.

(Cut to a menu emphasizing "CHOW MEIN" as a gong sounds.)

(Time lapse. Blue and Pink approach the restaurant.)

Blue: Check this out!

Pink: It looks so ornate.

Blue: I believe it's pronounced "Oriental".

(The doors open and a ninja flips out from inside.)

Ninja: (Chinese accent) Halt! Who dare approach The Golden Lotus Dragon?

Blue: Oh, uh, we just wanna get some "cho mee-en".

Ninja: Not just anyone may eat here! Our chow mein is for kung fu winners only.

Blue: (to Pink) Maybe I said it wrong. (To the ninja) Um, is there a wait or could we just get a table for two...?

Ninja: Foolish! If you want our treasure, you have to go through me! (He punches Blue, who lands a few yards back. Pink rushes to his aid.)

Pink: Blue, oh my God! Are you okay?

Blue: What the hell!

Pink: Maybe we should go somewhere else.

Blue: No way. (Gets up and walks back up to the ninja.) I'm gonna teach this street-tough a lesson!

Pink: Oh, Blue, you're so brave.

Blue: Hey, buddy, what's the big ide-- (Off-screen, the ninja punches him back again.)

Ninja: Insolent dog! You think you can beat me?

Blue: Oh, okay. (Gets up and walks back.) You're really starting to annoy me-- (Gets punched back again. He gets up to walk back.) Seriously! We just want some "cho mee--" (Gets punched back once more. A second ninja grabs Pink and walks toward the restaurant with her.)

Pink: Aah! What the hell!!

Blue: Pink! Hey, you assholes, let her go! ...Please?

(The second ninja takes her inside.)

Pink: Blue, help me!

First ninja: (laughs) Chow mein of The Golden Lotus Dragon is for kung fu winners only! And since your fighting is weak like wet noodles, we shall take your girlfriend until you, are, worthy. (He disappears into the restaurant and the doors shut.)

Blue: Noooooooooooooooooooo!

(Time lapse. Blue runs into his apartment.)

Red: (looking in the bathroom mirror) This is one staring contest you're gonna lose, dumbass! (Growls.)

Blue: (off-screen) Red!

(Red flinches, then laughs.)

Red: (to his reflection) Suck it!

(Blue enters the bathroom.)

Blue: Dude, I need your help. I was at The Golden Lotus Dragon with Pink and these dudes jumped out, and beat the shit out of me, and kidnapped her and I don't know what to do!

(Red puts his hand over Blue's mouth and shushes him.)

Red: Did you say... (voice rising) The Golden Lotus Dragon?!

Blue: And these freakin' thugs were--

Red: (groans) That place has the best chow mein in town! Dude, let's go get some. (A gong sounds as Red leaps out of the bathroom and Blue tries to contain himself.)

(Time lapse. Red and Blue approach the restaurant. The two ninjas are standing in front of the doors. They strike kung fu poses.)

Red: Outta the way! I'm gettin' chooow mein!

Ninja #1: Only kung fu winners may pass! And feast upon our super yummy chow mein.

Red: (scoffs) Yeah, right! You best move your butts before they get kicked by my kung fu! (Makes ninja noises.)

Ninja #1: (softly) You are making a grave mistake...

(Both ninjas charge at Red, who is prepared. The first ninja gets beat down by Red as does the second ninja. More ninjas flee out of the restaurant. Some of them run past Red while others are beat down and torn apart by him. Blue stands and watches the action. Red uses a leg from one of the ninjas to strike and decapitate them. Blue stomps on a dead ninja's head. Red's eyes glow blue and yellow and a blue ring erupts from him, making the rest of the ninjas' heads explode. Blue kicks the dead ninja. One more ninja charges out. Red turns to him, leans back, and punches him back into the restaurant. Red and Blue run inside. The owner, Shi Ba, sits in a throne surrounded by more ninjas. One of them is restraining Pink.)

Blue: Pink!

Pink: Blue, you came!

Shi Ba: (Chinese accent) Oooohhh! So you defeated my men, but that does not make you a kung fu winner.

Red: I don't know what you're talkin' about, crazy man, but I'm gonna beat you up till you bleed soy sauce!

Shi Ba: Ohh...we shall see 'bout that.

(He and Red charge at each other and fight. Shi Ba pushes Red several yards back, but Red charges back at him, climbs onto a table and jumps off. Shi Ba does flips before jumping up high. Both fight in the air, but Red knocks Shi Ba into the floor. Shi Ba uses his long mustache to throw Red into the floor. Red gets back up from the rubble and throws a chair at Shi Ba, who blocks it, using a table. Shi Ba throws the table at Red, who blocks it, using Blue. Red throws Blue at Shi Ba, who punches him away. Red's eyes glow blue as he forms a blue ball of energy. He uses it against Shi Ba, leaving him a skeleton. He falls to the floor, his flesh restored.)

Red: Where's your chow mein?! I'm, like, stupid hungry now!

Shi Ba: You-- You are truly a kung fu winner. Here, take this. (Holds up the chow mein.) You... have earned it! (Red gasps and takes it.)'s the last booowl... (Passes out.)

Red: ♪Swee-hee-hee-hee-hee-teh.♪

(Blue and Pink, holding hands, approach Red.)

Blue: Can we have some?

(Long pause.)

Red: Bong pi fu! (Chinese for "Fuck off!")

-Episode ends-

Blue: (softly) Oh, man, that looks... sooo delicious.

Dick Figures Title

Dick Figure 27

Kung Fu Winners


  • The ending song used is a piano cover of "Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites" by Dubstep artist Skrillex. However, this version was sang by Lord Tourettes.
  • Unlike the credits at the end of the season finale of Season One and Two, when it shows the voice cast, all of the voice actors names are colored in the colors of the characters that were voiced in this season, so that we know which actor voices who.
  • After the Season 3 credits, when Season 4 is announced, Lord Tourettes (off-screen) says "YES! OH, MY FUCKING GOD!"
  • This is Shi Ba's second appearance.
  • Red knows Kung Fu better than the ninjas'. This is because he either trained with Raccoon (who of course is an Asian character) or spent too much time in his body in Brain Switch or he was born like that, since he got those ninja skills since he was a kid (in First Day of Cool).
  • This episode is similar to the Dragon Ball Z series. This is shown when Red fires the Hadouken (or Kamehameha).
  • Red is able to speak Chinese.
  • This episode also surprisingly doesn't have the Raccoon, despite the character being Asian, for this episode does mostly take place at an Asian restaurant. However, the place is a Chinese restaurant and the Raccoon is Japanese.
  • Red's quote: "I don't know what you're talkin' about, crazy man, but I'm gonna beat you up till you bleed soy sauce!" is similar to what he said to Blue in Brain Switch: "I don't know what you're talkin' about, but I'm gonna go find a dragon. Peace."
  • Technically, the laser Red threw at Shi Ba is not Kung fu, meaning Red isn't really a Kung Fu Winner.
  • When it shows the menu, a single Fortune Cookie cost 80$, which is really expensive and it's 8 times more expensive then Chow Meing. Does that make sense?
  • This episode was nominated for the Annie Award for Best Directing in an Animated Television/Broadcast Production, but lost to John Eng for the episode "Animal House" on "Dragons: Riders of Berk".
  • The part where Blue goes see Red, when he shushes him, his hand grows twice as long as a normal character.
  • Red staring himself down, while played for comedy, actually happens in real life. People with Mirrored-self Misidentification, are not aware of that the person they are talking to is their own reflection.
  • This is the last episode to have a variation of the Dick Figures title at the end of the episode.


Recurring Gags

Auto-Tune Use


Red Floating

When he jumped up in the air to hit Shi Ba and throw him down.

Episode Ending

The I's are replaced with Red and Blue doing Kung-fu moves.

The Last Line Being Cut


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