Planet Asshole
Season 3, Episode 5
Dick Figures - Planet Asshole

Dick Figures - Planet Asshole

Air date November 17th, 2011
Episode run time 3:47
Episode guide
Modern Flame War 3

Planet Asshole is the fifth episode of Season 3 and the 25th episode overall of the Dick Figures series.


After Red burns his black hole with a scorching burrito, he and Blue offer hungry aliens painful advice on pregnancy, relaxation and face washing.



(Red sits at a table holding a burrito)

Red: Oh, sweet burrito, your black beans and rice make my tummy feel nice, and my butthole burn.

(An alien tractor-beam picks up the burrito)

Red: The fu--? Wait, no! NO! Burrito, come back! Don't leave me!

(He cries, then Blue walks up with his own burrito)

Blue: Dude, what happened to your burrito?

Red: Aliens abducted it!

Blue: Oh, that. Well, they better not drop it off in my shoes again, dick.

Red: No, seriously! There was this light and then a WHOOSH and then--

(Two aliens appear from the tractor-beam)

Blue alien: Greetings, Earth sticks.

Red alien: I am Der. This is Eulb.

(Red and Blue gasp)

Eulb: We come bearing gifts. Just kidding. We're here to kill you.

Blue: Oh, shit!

Der: Just kidding. We come in search of food.

Eulb: We have scoured the galaxy in seach for acceptable sustenance.

Der: We traveled to the cloud world of QB-13 Beta and their food was like... meh.

Eulb: We also tried the fire planet Ablusphormat, but we were farting for 7,000 lunar cycles.

Blue: Where are you guys from?

Eulb: We are from the planet Al-bu-quer-que.

Blue: You mean Albuquerque?

Eulb: No, Al-bu-quer-que.

Der: Your Earth food tubes were the most delicious thing we have discovered.

Red: You mean burritos?

Der: Yes, we demand you give us all your burrito tubes or we'll kill you. Just kidding, but not. We are a humor race.

Red: (to Blue) These guys can't tell a joke to save their life!

Eulb: Oh, yeah? How 'bout this one? A human traveled to a planet that was hostile to his carbon-based life support systems. He perished abruptly. The humor is in his termination.

(He and Der laugh)

Red: (weakly) Ha...

Eulb: See? We're not so different, you and I. You breathe oxygen through your mouths and out of your butts. (Red smiles) We breathe oxygen through our butts and into our brains which powers a miniature nuclear reactor. (Red smiles bigger)

Der: We are the same!

Red: (to Blue) Dude, let's totally mess with these guys!

Blue: Yeah, yeah!

(Time lapse. All four stand around a toilet. "Pumped Up Kicks" plays.)

Red: This is how we wash our faces!

(Red and Blue giggle as Eulb gives himself a swirlie)

Red: (whispering to Blue) I just pooped in there!

(Time lapse. They stand on the side of a highway.)

Blue: To relax, we jump in front of these metal boxes.

Der: Okay. (Jumps in the road and gets run over.) Excellent. I feel soft everywhere.

(Time lapse. They stand in front of a brick wall somewhere.)

Red: To reproduce, we kick each other in the stomach, like this. (He does so to Blue) You're pregnant!

(Blue groans)

Der: (to Eulb) You are pregnant. (Kicks him in the stomach.)

Eulb: Ow.

(Red laughs)

(Time lapse. They are back at the table.)

Eulb: Your Earth ways are strange.

Der: And painful.

Red: (laughs) Are you kidding? We don't actually kick each other in the stomach, we were just messing with you guys!

Eulb: Mmmm. Define messing.

Red: You know: Joshin', playin', goofin', foolin', screwin', fuckin'.

Blue: We were mocking you.

(Silence for a few seconds, somber music plays)

Der: Nooooo.

Eulb: You were mocking us?

Red: How could we not!?

Blue: Seriously, you guys were totally asking for it!

Der: Negative.

Eulb: (upset) How dare you mocking us?

Red: (laughs) Come on, man! Don't be such a puss about it!

Eulb: Don't make fun of us, we are weak!

Der: Our species is powered by self-esteem. You are killing us.

(Red and Blue burst out laughing)

Eulb: You guys are dicks!

Der: Yeah!

Eulb: We were just going to collect all of your food tubes and leave, but now we are going to rename your planet in the galactic database...

Der: To Planet Asshole.

Blue: Go for it!

Red: Yeah, yeah, that sounds awesome.

Eulb: We hate you!

Der: We are going to reroute an asteroid into your planet's orbital path!

(Red and Blue stop laughing)

Der: Prepared to be destroyed in 86 million Earth years!

(Red and Blue resume laughing as the aliens depart)

Red: Oh, my God, can you believe those guys?

Blue: What douchebags!

(All the burritos begin to be picked up by the aliens' tractor beam)

Brown Street Artist: (holding onto a telephone wire) Naw! Not our food tubes!

Army Green Street Artist: No!

Red: No! Not the burritos! You bastards! Not the burritos!

(The aliens laugh as they abduct the burritos. Suddenly, they get hit by an asteroid.)

-Episode ends-

Eulb: Ow.

Dick Figures Title

Dick Figure 4

Planet Asshole

Recurring Gags

Auto-Tune Use

The aliens' voices.

Red Floating

Red explaining to Blue about his burrito being abducted and everyone being pulled up by the alien tractor-beam.

Episode Ending

The word "DICK FIGURES" appears with the "I"s replaced by burritos being abducted.

The Last Line Being Cut

The aliens' laughter being halted by the asteroid impact.


  • Der and Eulb are just Red and Blue spelled backwards.
  • This is the first episode in Season 3 where the "I"s aren't people.
  • Although they are aliens they talk more like robots.
  • The music that plays through the scene where Red and Blue mess with the aliens is the instrumental to Pumped Up Kicks.
  • This is the first episode where Blue is an antagonist when messing with the aliens.
  • This is the longest episode to have Auto-Tuned voices.
  • These aliens resemble Greys, the most common type of alien found in fiction.
  • Der is a more mature version of Red.
  • Der and Eulb are brighter than Red and Blue.
  • It may be possible that Der and Eulb survived the explosion, since after their UFO was destroyed, Eulb said 'Ow'.
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