|“||Uno?! Real men play poker, yo!||”|
"Cuz I'm AWESOME!"
|Title|| Debut: The Dick Figures unaired Pilot
or The Cat teaser (Teasers)
|Friends|| Blue (best friend and roommate)|
Pink (tries to make out with)
Fat Ugly Girl (wife)
|Enemies|| Pink (sometimes),br>The Raccoon (sometimes)|
Blue (sometimes; on Blue's side)
|Aliases|| Captain Red Rum|
The Red Devil (Diablo Rojo)
(The Red) Trash God
|Voiced By||Ed Skudder|
Redward, or "Red" is one of the two main protagonists of Dick Figures, besides his friend Blue. He's a fun-loving guy, never seen calm, who almost never takes things seriously and loves parties and women. He wears a backwards red cap and lives with his best friend and roommate: Blue, a calm guy who's the complete opposite of Red. He is mostly amoral except for several occasions.
Red was revealed to be an extra-terrestrial creature in First Day of Cool. In simple terms, Red might be an alien. However, Ed and Zack have stated that Red is not an alien but didn't come from Earth. He may have gained his superhuman powers during his time in space.
His catchphrase's simply "Yeah, right!", but on many occasions, he's been known to yell "'Sup, beeeitch!" or just "'Sup, bitch!". He says "Catchphrase" in Traffic Jams, just before he and Blue slay the Turtle Dragon. He also says "Cuz I'm awesome." In the episodes "A Bee or Something," "First Day of Cool," and "Dick Figures: The Movie."
He's also seen to be a very violent character, as he's seen killing a lot of people at Maulmart in Flame War and also in Lord Tourette's Syndrome, where he smashes through the window of a church and slaughters many innocent people with a katana.
Red is a red stick figure just like his name says. He wears a red baseball cap backwards which may possibly give him the ability to fly. Other than his hat, he wears no visible clothing.
Red is a sex-obsessed party maniac who goes around all the time getting drunk, having sex, and swearing at everybody. He is a very loud and annoying person who has an in your face kind of personality. He is also extremely stupid and barely has any knowledge on anything in the world unless it's related to sex, drugs, and other things along those lines. He can get on Blue's nerves sometimes, but he is always there for him and is always a good best friend for him for a reason that Red himself has said more than once in the series: "Cuz I'm awesome!" He also seems to be quite obsessed with shooting games, since in Flame War, he played the Attack of the Trolls game, and when it wasn't as expected, he still enjoyed it. Red is (like the comic character Deadpool) a "sex machine" since he has perfect ways to attract girls, no matter how bad.
Red and Blue are best friends and they always have been ever since they first met each other as little kids in the episode First Day of Cool. Right now, Blue lets Red live in his apartment with him. Red has always been the happy and crazy one in his friendship with Blue while Blue is the more sad and sane one. Red is always having bad ideas and doing stupid things that Blue doesn't approve of but he always gets him dragged into them getting them both deep in trouble that they sometimes get out of but sometimes never do. Red is always very annoying to Blue because on multiple occasions, he has gotten drunk and gone insane and ruined things for Blue such as dates with his girlfriend Pink. The reason why Blue always keeps his friendship with Red and why he always lets his stay in his apartment is because when they first met as mentioned earlier, Red saved his life from Broseph and a bunch of evil fifth graders and Blue promised him that no matter what happens, he will always be his friend. Although it may not seem like it, Red really loves Blue and cares for him, and as lighty implied in the episode Panda Hat, Red may have some sexual attractions for Blue as he told him that he wanted to grow old with him in every way then, he said the same thing to a toilet but then added "except for the gay way" which he didn't say to Blue. However, due to the fact that Red has shown on way more occasions and has made it even more obvious he has sexual attractions for the female gender so he may have only said this because he was drunk.
Pink hates Red because of how annoying, rude, and unsanitary he is. She especially hates him because of how he is always ruining her dates with Blue. Red has shown sexual attractions for her in the episode Brain Switch, when he called her on the phone and started saying sexy things to her and even attempted to go to her house to have sex with her. He showed it again in the episode Snowjob when he was trapped inside of a snowman and he had Pink breathe on him to melt the snow. When she was doing this, Red tricked her into breathing low enough on his body to give him a "blow job" or a "snowjob" as he called it, and once again in Dick Figures: The Movie when Pink passed by him and he said "Hey toots." and Pink replied "Go to Hell, Red" which he replied with "Okay, see you there." Despite this, she seems to show a caring side for him, as shown in Snowjob, where she asks Blue if he's worried about Red.
Stacy is Red's main girlfriend. Although Red showed sexual attraction to other women, he has a great love for Stacy. Red and Stacy first started dating in the episode Trouble Date where they interrupted Pink and Blue's date by breaking into the restaurant they were at, eating their food, and having sex on the table. Apperantly after this, Red and Stacy had not seen each other for a long time until the episode Modern Flame War 3 where Red met up with her again and they had sex. Since then, the two of them have been officially dating and seeing each other very often, and as revealed in Dick Figures: The Movie, they have sex every day. Although they were first seen dating in the episode Trouble Date, there were two future episodes that showed events that happened before then where they have both had some sort of interaction with each other. In the episode First Day of Cool, when Stacy and Red were little kids, Stacy was very happy and surprised when she saw him for the first time as she happily quoted "Who is that?" and then she later came up to him saying "Oh, my God, you are so sexy," as she reached out to him before Pink pulled her away. Red happily responded to Stacy saying this by saying "I know." In the episode Robot Frog, when Stacy was breaking up with Blue, she told him that she had never gotten drunk before and Red overheard her saying this and he responded saying "You are missing out!"
Red hates Broseph because he is a pretentious, narcissistic douchebag. Although Red hates Broseph, Broseph sees Red as a friend in return and is always trying to hang out with him. In almost every episode where Broseph appears, Red kills him. In the episode "Real Dudes Bros Night Man," Red shot Broseph after he told an obviously fake manly story. In the episode "Zombies & Shotguns," Red chainsawed Broseph to death just because he talked to him. In the episode "Freshman 15," Red crushed Broseph's head against the wall with a metal plate. He almost cut his head off with a sword in the episode "A Hobbit of Thrones" because he got Stacy to make out with him. In the episode "First Day of Cool," Red came down on a meteor which killed Broseph. He then stepped on his skull, crushing it.
Red hates Fat Ugly Girl because she is fat and ugly and she is always trying to get close to him because she loves him. Whenever Red sees her around he tells her to go home and she sadly walks away. The nicest thing he's ever done to her was in the episode "Y U So Meme?" when he called Fat Ugly Girl to help him with his problem with Jason. He happily told her that she did great and then paid her but then after that he rudely told her to go home and she sadly walked away once again.
However, in Figured Out, after he broke up with Stacy, Red went to express his feelings for the Fat Ugly Girl and asked her if she wanted to be with him, to which she gladly accepted. He then started taking her to the gym, as she got more fit and prettier. Eventually, the two got married and have a girl child.
To see what episodes Red has appeared in, please go to: Red/Appearances
Post some of Red's most famous quotes at: Red/Quotes
List of Characters killed by Red
Red has killed a truly innumerable amount of people thought the show's run. For this list, a tragedy Red has caused (like destroying a building or sinking a ship) will only count as one single victim unless the casualties are countable. Also, characters who die frequently in the show (like Broseph, Mr. Dingleberry, and Blue) shall only be listed once. This is a full list of Red's body count (at least). It is possible this list will expand in the show's future as Red continues stacking bodies.
- 1: A green man is killed with two shurikens thrown in his face (Flame War).
- 2: A pink man is shot in the face with two guns (Flame War).
- 3: A grey man with sunglasses has his neck snapped by Red's feet (Flame War).
- 4: A light green man is shot in the head (Flame War).
- 5: A dark green man with hair is chopped in half with an axe (Flame War).
- 6: A dark yellow man firing a Gatling Gun is killed when Red throws an axe at a shield. Causing the axe to cleave into the man's skull (Flame War).
- 7: A light green man with an eyepatch is blasted with a shotgun (Flame War).
- 8: An orange man with a beard is killed when Red hits him in the head with shotgun, breaking it into pieces on contact (Flame War).
- 9: A greyish purple man is killed with two pieces of the shotgun stabbed in his head (Flame War).
- 10: A knight of some sort is ripped in half (Flame War).
- 11: Any survivors in the store (except Pink) are presumably killed when Red detonates the building with dynamite (Flame War).
- 12: A Giant Turtle (called a Dragon) is slain and decapitated by Red and Blue (Traffic Jams).
- 13: A Tyrannosaurus Rex is killed with a futuristic gun by Red after he travels to the future (Steakosaurus).
- 14: Every other dinosaur on earth is also killed (likely in the same manner as the T-Rex) by Red (Steakosaurus).
- 15: A woman is accidently killed when Red shows her Kitty Amazing, causing he heart to literally melt (Kitty Amazing).
- 16: A green man is killed in the same manner (Kitty Amazing).
- 17: Same thing with an orange woman (Kitty Amazing).
- 18-29: A tour guide and 11 other people are killed by Red holding Kitty Amazing (Kitty Amazing).
- 30: An entire parade with people and animals are all killed by Red having Kitty Amazing (Kitty Amazing).
- 31: Mr. Dingleberry is killed when Red has Kitty Amazing, making his heart melt and making him fall down the stairs (Kitty Amazing). Mr. Dingleberry dies regularly in the show. But most of his deaths are in some way Red's fault.
- 32: Chad the police officer is killed by Red and Kitty Amazing. Although, his murder appears to be intentional (Kitty Amazing).
- 33: Kitty Amazing is killed (reluctantly) by Red when he places her in front of a mirror. Causing her powers to backfire and turn her to stone. He later destroys her when he uses her like a football (Kitty Amazing).
- 34-35 :An Ogre Is slain by Red with a sword. Blue also implies that Red has killed a bunch of other Ogres too (Role Playas).
- 36: Lord Tourettes is decapitated for playing a "F**K" (originally supposed to be a fable) (Role Playas). He also dies regularly.
- 37: The Castle Guard is killed with a crossbow (Role Playas).
- 38: Blue's pawns are all destroyed along with Red's in the conflict (Attacks of the Pwns).
- 39: A dark green zombie is killed unintentionally by Red when he shoots a bag of chips with a shotgun (Zombies and Shotguns).
- 40-43: 4 zombies (one of which includes the Fat Ugly Girl, who Blue calls
- 44: a "Boomer" (Really the Fat Ugly Girl; referencing Left 4 Dead) is blasted and killed with a shotgun by Red (Zombies and Shotguns).
- 45-46: 2 more zombies are unintentionally gored with a chainsaw by Red (Zombies and Shotguns).
- 47: Another zombie bites Red's chip bag (although it was trying to bite Red) and Red pulls it's head off (Zombies and Shotguns).
- 48: Broseph is gored in half with a chainsaw (Zombies and Shotguns) this is Broseph's first appearance in the show. And Red goes on to kill him in almost all of his appearances in the show. Such victims shall only be listed once on this list.
- 49: Everyone in a church is brutally slaughtered by Red with a katana (Lord Tourette's Syndrome).
- 50: Some people were presumably killed when Red tilted the Hat Factory (Lord Tourette's Syndrome).
- 51: A light blue inmate is killed with a single punch to the head (Fang Angels).
- 52: Some people were possibly killed when Red robbed a store (Fang Angels).
- 53-58: A group of 6 Pirate Women lead by Pink are all killed when Red sinks their ship (Captain Red Rum & The Pina Colada Armada).
- 59: Some people are presumably killed when Red starts a fire in the apartment (Y U So Meme?).
- 60: Same thing when he lights fireworks in the apartment (Y U So Meme?).
- 61-63: 3 Natives are shot by Red (Sex Marks the Spot).
- 64-65: A Hooker (and some other people are presumably) is killed while Red is firing a gun out the police car's window (We're Cops).
- 66-83: Red kills many of Earl Grey's butlers. One is destroyed with eye lasers, two are thrown into each other and vaporized with eye lasers, Another is flipped over and destroyed along with another with eye lasers, three that grabbed Red are thrown to the ground, and one is killed with eye lasers, another is head-butted, two are kicked down, another is bashed in the head, and finally six are killed when Red knocks them off him. 18 in all (Adventures of Batman & The Bloser).
- 84: Earl Grey is destroyed when Red shoots his eye lasers at a prism, the resulting light show destroys him and restores his victims (Adventures of Batman & The Bloser).
- 85: A fat WoW fan (presumably dies from cardio or depression) after Red crashes the internet lokking for "the perfect boobs" (Modern Flame War 3).
- 86-87: 2 Technicians are killed by Red with a shotgun (along with others possibly) (Modern Flame War 3).
- 88: A lot of people were presumably killed when Red made contact with Stacy's "perfect boobs" (Modern Flame War 3).
- 89: Zeus is killed when Red shoves him into the volcano of Mount Olympus (Zeusbag).
- 90-102: 13 people are killed in the gun fight that Red starts (Chug-A-Chug-A-Brew-Brew).
- 103-106: 4 more westerners are killed on the booze train. Two are shot, and the other two die when the train crashes (Chug-A-Chug-A-Brew-Brew).
- 107: The conductor of the train is also presumably killed (Chug-A-Chug-A-Brew-Brew).
- 108: An octopus is killed when Red stabs it with a fork (Pleasure Cruise).
- 109: Gelato Bete is killed when Red flips a switch that makes a large crate fall on top of him (Pleasure Cruise).
- 110-115: The 6 secret agents and everyone else on the ship is killed by Red neglecting to stop the bomb (Pleasure Cruise).
- 116-142: At least 27 Ninjas are all murdered by Red (Kung Fu Winners).
- 143: Shi Ba is killed after a long Kung Fu fight with Red (Kung Fu Winner).
- 144-156: 13 people are run over by Red's bad driving (Losing Streakers).
- 157-176: At least 20 people are ran over by Red driving Blue's car (Taco Tuesday).
- 177-189: 13 Slutty Women are killed when Red crashes Blue's car on the Lez (Taco Tuesday).
- 190-285: At least 96 kids are beaten (and most of them killed) by Red in the playground fight (First Day of Cool. This also is the first few minutes of Dick Figures: The Moviel).
- 286-287: 2 Street Artists are shot to death by Red for their burritos (The Red Devil).
- 288-290: Everyone on board a plane, a train, and a cruise ship are all killed by Red crashing Blue's car into the plane (The Red Devil).
- 291: Everyone in the city (including Blue and himself) are killed by Red's poor piloting of The Mech (GTA: Pacific Grim).
- 292: Some people were presumably killed during Red's implied alcohol rampage (Snowjob).
- 293-294: Two strippers froze to death when they gave a frozen Red a lap dance (Snowjob).
- 295: Some people were presumably killed during Red's Vodka Rampage (Das Vidiamond).
- 296: Some old people are killed when Red and Blue punch their way through their marathon "run" (Happy Birthdump).
- 297: An Olive Green Japanese man is killed when Red steps on a trap floor, making an axe decapitate him (Dick Figures: The Movie).
- 298-302: 5 Demon Ninjas are killed when Red smashes through a wall (Dick Figures: The Movie).
- 303-307: 5 more are murdered by Red during their escape. One is smashed through a ship, another is knocked into the water to drown, and three more are killed with a harpoon gun (Dick Figures: The Movie).
- 307-317: 10 French Police Officers are killed by Red during their chase in Paris. One is kicked off is bike, making him get run over by a SWAT van. Two are killed when Red makes them crash into traffic. Another crashes into a stand, and another is killed when Red kicks him off his bike, making it smash and kill him. One is whacked in the head with an umbrella, making him crash. Another is forced against a building to crash. Two more are killed when Red causes two SWAT vans to crash. And one more is presumably killed when Red crashes the SWAT van into a police car (Dick Figures: The Movie).
- 318: Some more people are presumably killed by Red during he and Blue's trip home.
- 319-333: 15 more Demon Ninjas are killed by Red inside the volcano (Dick Figures: The Movie).
- 334: Ocho Muerte is killed when Red drops The Great Sword of Destiny in his mouth (Dick Figures: The Movie).
- 335: Blue is Red's most frequent victim. Blue has been killed by almost all of Red's stupid antics.
- 336: Thousands of people were killed by Red and Blue's epic high five (Figured Out).
- Red and Blue have been friends for a long time. In Captain Red Rum & The Pina Colada Armada, their friendship's confirmed on Facester.
- He is younger than Blue. If looked at closely, he is a little shorter. Blue also was born in June and Red may have been born around December.
- Red has the most references given to him.
- He hates Broseph, but the feeling isn't mutual, causing Red to kill Broseph every time they meet. So far, he's killed Broseph 4 times.
- Red has the power of defying gravity (flying) in many episodes.
- In He Who Shall Not Be Maimed and Role Playas, Red's a knight named Maroon.
- There are 7 episodes where Red doesn't wear a cap. In Panda Hat, he removes his cap when he talks up a woman, in Flame War while using his flamethrower, his cap doesn't appear, while in Role Playas, in Fang Angels (but was wearing it when he robbed a bank), and in Captain Red Rum & The Pina Colada Armada wears a bandana. Also in Adventures of Batman & The Bloser and The Fart Knight Rises, he was seen wearing the Batman ears the whole time. It was probably his hat because there's an extra line there.
- Apparently, he owns a katana, a hand gun, ninja stars, and a pump shotgun, as they are always usually in his possession.
- Red is Emperor of the Crimson Empire in an alternate universe, as seen in Attack of the Pwns.
- He, on the inside, is a very kind person and he cares so much about the people he loves. But this side's only seen in 8 cases:
- In A Bee or Something Red tries to get Blue a new girlfriend.
- When Kitty Amazing kills people in the city, Red ends the cat's reign of terror by placing the cat in front of a mirror, which causes the cat to turn to stone.
- In "Role Playas", Red kills Black because he was attacking Blue. (In the process of saving him, Red shoots Blue repeatedly in the back with his bow.)
- In "Y U So Meme", he was jealous of Jason (Trollzor) because he "took" his best friend Blue. He pays the Fat Ugly Girl to break Jason's heart to show to Blue that he's an asshole and Red and Blue became best friends again (Red punches Blue in the face as a gesture of forgiveness).
- In "Attack of the Pwns", Red let Blue live and took the 2 jet packs with him to get out of the escape pod before they died a firey death in the sun (but once they ran out of gas, he left him there to die).
- In "Lord Tourette's Syndrome", he helps Lord Tourettes find his hat (but only for the treasure).
- In "Adventures of Batman and The Bloser", he (as Batman) and Blue (as Bloser) defeat Earl Grey and restore the colors of all of the people (including Lord Tourettes) who got their color drained by Earl Grey's bombs.
- In Terminate-Her! while acting out the terminator and killing anyone name Sarah, Red saves Blue from both possible death and humiliation by killing the slut that was hitting on him. (The slut turned out to be a poly metal alloy killing machine after being thrown out the window.)
- In "Modern Flame War 3", Red saved the Internet from himself with Blue and Jason (Trollzor) after crashing it while searching for the world's most perfect pair of boobs.
- In Pleasure Cruise, he tries to save a cruise ship full of people from Gerald Butler's bomb and buys Blue a hot dog.
- In Kung Fu Winners, Red goes with Blue to the Golden Lotus Dragon to go rescue Pink. (However, Red's only real motivation is that he is craving some chow mien.)
- In Pussy Magnet, Red tries to help Blue overcome his problem with Pink. (He starts by punching Blue in the face, having a threesome in front of him and then giving him dating advice that gets him shot by his girlfriend.)
- In Brain Switch, Red (in Blue's body) tries to help Blue get a job by pooping in his pants and making such dimwitted comments that the interviewer is prompted to ask if he is retarded.
- In Happy Birthdump, Red took Blue to a restaurant for Blue's birthday.
- In Camp Anarchy, Red revealed that he lost his virginity to a tree.
- Red's voice has been Auto-Tuned 5 times in the series, "A Bee or Something", "Bath Rhymes", "Clip: Bath Rhymes","Camp Anarchy" and "Losing Streakers".
- Judging by the picture in the episode Butt Genie, Red's wish is to rule the world.
- Red's shown to have a talent in making up songs as he makes up an entire song in Bath Rhymes and a little rap in Camp Anarchy and another rap in Attack of the Pwns.
- He and Blue get into pretty heated arguments that could end up in war as shown in Attack of the Pwns because Red ate the last frozen burrito.
- Red, in the beginning, disliked Lord Tourettes, but in Lord Tourette's Syndrome, he only helps him for the treasure. In Season 3, he doesn't seem to be disliking Lord Tourettes anymore.
- As of Fang Angels, he has a criminal record.
- In We're Cops!, he carjacked a police cruiser.
- Red's the captain of the Pina Colada Armada, whose crew consists of himself, Blue (as the lieutenant), Raccoon (as the ship's chef), and beautiful wenches.
- Red has superpowers, most likely having to do with his alien origin:
- Enhanced Strength as seen in Lord Tourette's Syndrome, Fang Angels and Steakosaurus.
- Defying gravity in many episodes.
- Laser Eyes in Sex Marks the Spot and Adventures of Batman & The Bloser.
- He can eat barbed wire without getting hurt in Modern Flame War 3.
- Red's capable of shooting a beam of energy with his hands to pulverize someone, as seen in Kung Fu Winners.
- He can also make multiple people's heads explode through intense concentration as seen in Kung Fu Winners.
- He is a "Pussy Magnet" (Kittens).
- In Camp Anarchy, it shows that he can talk in a robotic voice.
- It's shown in Sex Marks the Spot that he hides his porn mags and boob pics in a temple-like part of his home, because internet doesn't have "the weird stuff".
- He's a fan of the classic "strange stuff" as well as modern porn, yet no one knows if he doesn't watch Internet porn, but in Modern Flame War 3 he's seen searching the Internet to look for the perfect boobs.
- Red has shown to be a very good shot in multiple episodes like Modern Flame War 3 and Flame War.
- It's odd to see how Red wasn't excited for Modern Flame War 3 when in Flame War he killed multiple people for it, however this could be because as Blue said it was just the same game and that he was really busy finding the perfect boobs.
- He's shown to love Chow Mein in Kung Fu Winners.
- Red might have had sex with a machine which he reveals in Losing Streakers when he speaks to a slot machine, mentioning to the machine's "mother", to which the machine calls him "Father".
- In Pussy Magnet, Red gives Blue advice on getting girls so Blue can impress Pink.
- Red was born strong with powers and mastery of martial arts in First Day of Cool.
- In Sex Marks the Spot and Ocho Muerte, Red tends to keep certain things safe by eating them and shitting them out.
- Red can grow his arm twice as long than a normal character, as seen in Kung Fu Winners.
- In Taco Tuesday, Red screams that he never has money, which could be true. But in some episodes, he pulls out his own money and actually pays something. Episodes where he paid:
- In Steakosaurus, when he doesn't want to hear Raccoon's warnings and pays him $50 so that he could use the time machine without any problems.
- In Pleasure Cruise, he pays for two Hot Dogs.
- In Chug-A-Chug-A-Brew-Brew, he bribes a barman.
- Red pays the Fat Ugly Girl to get Blue to stop hanging out with Jason in Y U So Meme?
- In OMG, he was seen smoking in one of Raccoon's dreams. Because this was a dream, it was unknown if Red really smokes.
- In Freshman 15, we see that Red can have sex with girls really quickly. For example, in the beginning of the episode, he had sex with 4 girls in only 4 seconds.
- In The Fart Knight Rises, Red as Batman, we see that he owns a giant floating ship, which he used mostly to see boobs.
- In the same episode, Red states that what he loves about 4th of July isn't the fact that America defeated Great Britain for their independence, what he loves is the barbecue.
- In his 1st original appearance, in the unaired Pilot episode, he has a blue cap instead of a red one.
- In Robot Frog, it shows that Red likes to crap on Blue's pajamas when he's not home.
- Red seems to enjoy another Mondo show called "Gundarr", since he watches it as if it was porn. He also seems to watch another show on Mondo's channel called "Post Nuclear Family".
- Red owes Blue $11,271.33 dollars. If not paid, 1 dollar equals 1 punch (as seen in Camp Anarchy).
- Red is fluent in Spanish (sort of).
- Red hates to clean.
- In the movie, we see that Red prefers to eat tiny cell phones instead of sushi.
- Red has apparently masturbated to Animal Planet, claiming he only did it one time.
- In the movie, Red hinted that he could be trying to have sex with Pink because of her giving him 'dirty looks'. He even tricked Pink into breathing around his penis in Snowjob.
- Red can be compared to Joey from Friends, where he sleeps and hooks up with various women, only Red doesn't have the heart or obvious dumbness of Joey.
- He can also be compared to Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother, as they's both macho, womanizing sex-addicts, who brag about their awesomeness, sleep with various women, and quote several wacky catchphrases. His relationship with Blue, also mirror's Barney's relationship with Ted.
- Red's full first name is "Redward", which is a pun on the name "Edward".