Season 5, Episode 3
Dick Figures - Snowjob

Dick Figures - Snowjob

Air date September 10, 2013
Episode run time 2:44
Episode guide
Hardcore Chore
Dick Figures The Movie The Music Video

Snowjob is the 3rd episode of Season 5 and the 43rd episode overall


A freak snowstorm cuts power to the town and turns Red into a living snowman… who has to pee really badly. Blue and Pink must find a way to break him free before his bladder explodes.



(In the night, Red holding a bottle is walking from the left in the snow freezing)

Red: (shivering then starts singing) Oh why, oh why, did I get so drunk? I have to pee out of my tree trunk. (points to his dick)

Narrator: And then a whipping winter wind whooshed by, and began to freeze young Red to the bone...r.

Red: (Stops walking) No. (Starts freezing) Must... stay... frosty. (Completely freezes, unable to move.)

(The next screen shows the same area in the morning, but with a snowman standing where Red was frozen. Blue appears along with Pink from the right side.)

Blue: Wow. Look at all this snow! It's beautiful. 

Pink: And with the power out, I can finally take off work.

Blue: Yeah, we can do anything! Go sledding, ice skating, drink hot cocoa, (Zooms in on Blue and Pink) cuddle in a blanket and keep each other warm…

Pink: Wait. Blue, aren’t you worried about Red? Didn’t you say he didn’t come home? 

Blue: Oh yeah... Ah, fuck that guy, he's probably dead.

Red: (shouting as Blue and Pink are startled) Fuck YOU, asshole, you're dead!

Pink: Di-did that snowman just curse you out?

(Red screams as the snowman's head comes off and his head is sticking out of the snowman)

Blue: Red?

Red: Get me out of here, you jerk! I gotta take a piss!

Blue: What are you doing in a snowman?

Red: Why aren't you in a snowman? I'm cool as an ice cube. Except I gotta PEE!

Blue: Uh, sorry man. We're kinda getting our snow date on.

Red: (cries) Duude! You gotta help me! I'll do anything.

Blue: Really? Fine. I'll help thaw you out, but you gotta get the ice off my car.

Red: Deal! Now get me out!

Blue: Alright, come on dude. (Blue goes behind Red)

(Pink picks up a twig from the ground.)

Pink: Here, Red. (places the twig on Red's lower half as Blue and her giggle)

Red: Hey, hey, use the log, not the twig! Use the log! (Blue pushes Red offscreen) TAKE IT OUT!


(Scene cuts to Blue turning on a lighter and attempting to melt Red's upper half, but it is ineffective.)


(Scene cuts to Pink lighting a match and putting it closer to Red's frozen body, attempting to melt the snow, but his head bursts into flames as he and Pink start screaming.)


(Scene cuts to 2 strippers rubbing their asses on Red's lower half.)

Red: Mmm...  Aw yeah.

(Both strippers gets frozen and fall to the ground while Red shrieks.)

Flint & Steel

(Scene cuts to Blue strucking two rocks to create some sparks, but accidently hits Red with a rock.)

Red: Ow! (Starts going downward and starts screaming.)

(Scene cuts to Red sliding down a cliff while screaming.)

(Blue & Pink appear near Red in next clip)

Blue: Maybe... we could just try breathing on him?

Red: Seriously?! I think I'm getting kidney sto-ho-ones!

(Blue & Pink start breathing heavily on Red's top half)

Red: Wait, wait, Pink! I think it's actually working.

Pink: Really? (Blue continues breathing heavily behind Red)

Red: Try a little lower!

(Pink bends lower while breathing on Red)

Red: Little lower...

(Pink breathes on Red's lower half)

Red: Yeaah, right there. Mmmm.

Blue: (realizes) Hey! Red, you asshole!

Red: Snowjob! (laughs)

(Blue punches Red)

Red: Ow! (continues laughing)

(Red is sliding down a cliff once again, while still laughing)

Red: (descending) I just snowed ya a load!


(Scene transitions to Blue standing in front of his car, holding two electrocuters connected to the car engine, next to Red & Pink)


Blue: Alright man. This might be the last resort, if this doesn't work, I don't know what will.

Red: Duu-ude! Hurry! My bladder's going supernova!

Blue: Ok! Hold still. (Blue connects the two electrocuters to Red's head and goes inside his car.) Ready?

Red: DO IT!! (cries)

(Blue starts the engine of his car and Red gets electrocuted, but while being electrocuted, the snow on Red's body finally disappears. Red falls to the ground in pain and then starts peeing. We can see the pee going upward and reaching the car's engine.)

Pink: Ew, gross!

Red: Holy crap, finally. 

(Red's pee creates a short circuit in the engine and Blue's car starts bursting into flames.)

Blue: MY CAR!! Aah!! 

(The fire spreads and reaches Blue, while Pink runs away, screaming.)

Red: Hey, I got the ice off! 

(The episode ends with Blue, on fire, screaming and struggling inside the car.)

Recurring Gags

Episode Ending

Normal letter I's, the Dick Figures logo shakes, and the Episode Ending is extended. Then a promo for Dick Figures: The Movie appears.

Red Floating


Auto-tuned Usage


Last-Line being Cut



  • This is the first episode Red needed help from Blue.
  • First time Pink helped Red out.
  • First Season 5 episode where no characters make any cameos.
  • First snow-themed episode.
  • Pink's debut in Season 5.
  • Blue most likely died in this episode by being set on fire.
  • It might be possible that Red caused a crime before the episode started (because police sirens can be heard at the beginning of the episode and Red was holding a bottle of beer).
  • It's unknown where Pink ran off to at the end of the episode.
  • Even though this episode was snow-themed, it was not uploaded around winter.
  • This is one of the few episodes where none of the main gags are used.
  • The episodes title is a pun off of the word blowjob. This is because this episode is SNOW-themed and Red gets a "snowjob" from Pink when she starts breathing around his penis.
  • This also is the first episode that features the narrator since Modern Flame War 3, Zeusbag, and First Day of Cool.
  • This is first episode the narrator said the word "young", although Red isn't really that young since he's 26.


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