Traffic Jams
Season 1, Episode 4
Red and Blue meet the Turtle Dragon.
Air date December 29, 2010
Episode run time 1:56
Episode guide
Flame War


Blue is stuck in a dreaful traffic jam that worsens when Red comes in. Things get worse when the two discover the source of the jam.

Youtube Description: Red drives Blue insane in the fast lane to nowhere.

Dick Figures - Traffic Jams

Dick Figures - Traffic Jams





God "I can't hear you!!"
This article/section is typed directly as it is represented from the series and therefore may have spelling errors. Please do not correct these except IF and only if there are major spelling errors or if it's not pronounced that way.

(on a freeway where a lot of cars are honking, Blue is listening to Pachelbel's "Canon in D" with a bored face. Suddenly Red smacks his face onto the window.)


Blue: AAah! Crap, man!

(Red slides down the window and jumps through the window of the car.)

Blue: HEY! Can't you use the door like a human?!

Red: What are all these cars doing here?

Blue: What are you doing here? This is a freeway!

Red: Free country, biiieetch! Let's hurry it up!

(Red sounds the horn in the rhythm of Mario's theme. Blue pushes him away.)

Blue: Knock it off, fucktard!

Red: RAAARGH, this music sounds like unicorn barf!

Blue: There's nothing bad about classical.

Red: There's everything bad about classical. I need something to help me relax.

(Bar 9's "Midnight" plays. Blue covers his ears.)

Red: Wubwubwubwubwubwubwubwubwubwubwub! This music's giving me a boner!

Blue: Aaaaaghh, this is raping my mind!

(Blue turns the music down.)

Red: Man, I'm tired.

(Red dunks his head on Blue's airbag and it pops.)

Red: Whoahh, that was a good nap!


Blue: What the fuck, man, you broke my airbag!

Red: Whatever, you don't need an airbag! (they notice a huge figure while screams are heard.) (low voice) You're gonna need an airbag...

(a giant fire-breathing turtle is suddenly crushing cars and causing explosions. Red and Blue scream.)



Blue: (the turtle lets out a 1954 Godzilla roar as its leg slowly moves down to crush the car) Get out of the car! (he and Red run away. Blue runs back.) Oh, I forgot my keys! (runs away. runs back.) Ah, my glasses! (runs away. runs back.) My favorite CD! (runs away. runs back.) Ah, there's a frisbee in the trunk. Oh, there's a lot of good stuff in here! I got a bocce ball, there's a... kite...D&D books (Red comes back with a sword)... oh, is that a baseball? Sweet, baseball!

Red: (low voice) Catchphrase. (jumps at the turtle.)

(Pictures are now shown as Red jumps to the Turtle, then Blue picks up a sword from the back of the car, also jumps to the turtle and another picture shows are they are battling him, putting their sword in his skin while blood is leaking. Then it shows how Red decapitated the monster, showing the head of it with glory and the final image shows how they have it as a trophy on their wall, while Red and Blue are smoking.)

-Episode ends-

Turtle Trophy

Episode Ending

Dick Figures Title

Dick Figure 8

Traffic Jams

  • The I's were turned to Swords as Red and Blue ended up killing the Turtle Dragon with swords.


  • This episode and Sex Marks the Spot are the only episodes in the series where only Red and Blue speak.
  • The episode is named after two things, the traffic and the music Red is listening to.
  • The music "Dragon Slaying Dubstep" is originally Midnight by Bar 9, which was co-composed by Nick Keller.
  • This episode marks the debut of the Turtle Dragon.
  • This episode is most likely a remake of the pilot episode Stick Figures, since it has the same Turtle Dragon and in both Red says "It's a fucking dragon!"

Recurring Gags

Auto-Tune Use


Red Floating

Red floats in his first attempt at killing the turtle dragon.

Episode Ending

The word DICK FIGURES is shown with the "I"s replaced with swords and in the episode section, classical music plays

The Last Line Being Cut



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