We're Cops!
Season 2, Episode 9
Dick Figures - We're Cops!

Dick Figures - We're Cops!

Air date August 11, 2011
Episode run time 3:27
Episode guide
Sex Marks the Spot
Bath Rhymes (Official Music Video)

We're Cops! is the 9th episode of Season 2 and the 19th episode overall of Dick Figures.


After taking Blue on a joy ride, Red tells the Five-0 to lick his donuts and suck his penal code.



Red: (walks up to a squad car) Oh! Hey, cop car. Where are your drivers? Oh, you don't got anyone to drive you? So sad! How 'bout Red hop in and we go get us some slurpies?

(Blue walks on the sidewalk while humming.)

Red: (through megaphone, off-screen) Get on the ground, asshole! (Blue drops to the ground, scared) Do it, do it now! (Blue: Please! Don't shoot, don't shoot!) Don't move! I'll shoot your legs off, you pussy face, son of a yeller belleh! (He pulls up next to Blue, laughing) Ah, you should have seen the look on your face.

Blue: Red? You douchebag, you scared the-- Holy shit, did you steal a cop car?

Red: Yeah, check this bad boy out. Got sirens, too. (Turns them on) Woop, woop.

Blue: Dude! You can't steal a cop car, you know how illegal that is?

Red: Pffpfft, who's gonna pull over a cop car? Nobody.

Blue: Wow, that actually makes a lot of sense. That's a little scary.

(Shows them in the car while Red shoots at random people. A girl screams.)

Red: Whoo, baby! This is awesome! Dude, I just shot a hooker!

Blue: Yeah, I was just thinking about littering. But I'd never do it.

Radio voice: All cars, we got 10-83 on 3rd and Jefferson, all units in the vicinity, respond.

(They pull up to a place called Beershatzy. Officer Chad Quandt, a bartender, and a dead body are seen inside. Red and Blue appears from the right.)

Red: All right, what do we got?

Officer: Triple crimicide. Perps AWOL'd, but the vic's got multiple BLT to the head. Cut and dry.

Red: That's damn good police work, police guy.

Bartender: (brings them two beers) You boys keep fighting the good fight.

Red: Wait. These

Bartender: Yup, always on the house for cops.

Red: Yeah....we're cops! (Grabs the beer and sips it.)

(In the car. The California Love melody plays.)

Radio voice: All units, we got a 5-0-4 at State and Main. Please respond.

(Shows a pizza delivery guy named Phil giving them stacks of pizza)

Red: (eating) We're cops.

Blue: We're cops.

Red: We're cops.

Blue: We're cops.

(In the car, eating pizza.)

Radio voice: 852 on West 87.

(They are inside a medical facility with red eyes while the two street artists are there.)

Red: (pulling a wagon full of bags of marijuana) We're cops! Ahahaha.

Blue: We're totally cops.

(In the car, smoking, Blue starts coughing.)

Radio voice: We got a PDR at the IBM.

(Red and Blue watch two women dance on a pole at a strip club.)

Blue: (enticed) Ohh...we're cops.

Red: (enticed) Jiggly, jiggly cops. (One of the women throws her bra onto his face.)

Lord Tourettes: Hahaha, I love FUCKING breasts! (giggles)

(In the car with stuff in the back)

Blue: Dude, this is amazing! Look at all this free shit we're getting.

Red: I know! I should steal cars more often.

Radio voice: Car 69, where are you going in such a hurry?

Red: Oh, butts, that's us. Uh, uh, there's a bank robbery happening right now.

Radio voice: There's a bank robbery?!

Red: Uhh...yeah! A huge one! We're heading there right now, radio man. Whoo! (Turns on sirens)

Blue: (tensing up) Dude, where are you going?

Red: Didn't you hear? There's a bank robbery!

Blue: What? No, there's not!

Red: Protect and serve, mothafu--

(The car crashes into the bank. Red and Blue get out of the car with guns.)

Red: Everybody, watch out! You're gettin' robbed!

(People run away and scream. Red points his gun at a teller.)

Red: Where's all your money?

Bank Teller: (crying) Please don't kill me!

Red: (low voice) Please don't make me.

(The vault opens and Red and Blue enter.)

Red: Quick! We gotta protect all this cash.

Blue: So no one can steal it.

Red: Yeah, yeah.

Blue: Good thinking.

(Both exit the bank with the cash.)

Officer: Freeze, fuckers!

(Cops aim their guns at them.)

Blue: Oh, shit. Dude, what do we do?

Red: Leave it to me. 'Sall right...we're cops!

(Long silence.)

Chad Quandt: It's cool, they're cops.

Officer #2: They're cops.

Officer #3: They're cops!

Officer #4: They're cops!

Officer #5: They're cops.

Officer #6: Cops!

Red: Yeah, we're cops!

Officer #7: Whoo, we're cops!

Red: (dancing) ♪Cops is what we are.♪

Chad Quandt: We're cops, too.

(They start dancing.)

Officer: Look at us, we're all cops!

(An officer pops open a beer bottle, Red nails a female officer, Blue kicks open a cash bag, and others say "cops" as everybody dances or fires their guns.)

-Episode ends-

Random officer: Aw, man, it's awesome bein' a cop.

Dick Figures Title

  • Dick Figure 7

    We're Cops

    Many I's in each episode are more obviously known why they are placed than others.
  • The I's are cop cars, dedicated to the plot of this episode "Cops".

Recurring Gags

Auto-Tune Use


Red Floating


Episode Ending

The I's have been replaced with police cars and you hear a cop say 'Aw, man, it's awesome being a cop'.

The Last Word Being Cut

None, although when Red was heading to the bank, the word "fucker" was cut.


  • The police car number is 69, which is considered a sexual number and position.
  • This might be a refrences,oh I mean reference to Grand Theft Auto where the characters in the game can disguise themselves and trick the police by wearing a cop uniform and driving a cop car.
  • Red talks to inanimate objects.
  • The officer from Kitty Amazing, Chad Quandt, reappears.
  • Red is actually smart sometimes, since he knows no one will pull over a cop car and he realized the excuse for stealing is that he's a cop.
  • This is the first episode where sex is shown at the end where Red is doing the female cop.
  • When the police officer was describing the murder, much of the terms made no sense.
  • The voice in the radio is just saying random numbers and names.
  • This is first episode where Blue has a happy ending.
  • This is the second episode where Lord Tourettes appeared and did not die.
  • This is the first time Red is seen driving.
  • It is shown that cops have low intelligence seeing as they believed that Red and Blue were cops when they were robbing a bank.
  • When the officer in the bar describes the murder, if one uses the terms, it means that the people who did the 'triple crimicide' left without permission and killed the victim with Bacon Lettuce Tomato burgers/sandwiches which were prepared in advance.
  • This episode proves that Lord Tourettes is not gay when he said I love FUCKING breasts!.
  • This is the third episode where Blue does something with Red.
  • This is the first episode where Blue agrees with Red.
  • Blue smiles more in this episode than any other episode since in most of the time in other episodes he's in a bad mood (because of Red)
  • The cars shown in the outtro of this episode are both Chevrolet caprices.
  • This episode has a sense of irony, since Red and Blue became cops and then later stole money.
  • The "Ninja Pizza" Red and Blue eat is later mentioned in Zeusbag.
  • This episode made it's TV premiere with the second episode of Like, Share, Die.

Changes Made in the Like, Share, Die version

  • The Dick Figures title was shown in the beginning. At the end of the episode, the credits of Like, Share, Die play instead.
  • When Red pranks Blue at the beginning, his voice has not been modified to sound through a microphone.
  • Red's cut-off line, "Protect and serve, mothafucker!" was not cut off.
  • Every use of "fuck" is censored.


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