Season 3, Episode 6
Dick Figures - Zeusbag

Dick Figures - Zeusbag

Air date December 1st 2011
Episode run time 3:42
Episode guide
Planet Asshole

Zeusbag is the sixth episode of the third season of Dick Figures and the 26th episode overall.


In Ancient Times, Red and Blue accept Zeus's challenge, hoping to become Greek Gods like Uranus, Nympos, and Phallus.


Minor Characters


Narrator (possibly Blue): In Ancient Times, Zeus was a real asshole and shit was crazy...



(Red and Blue pull a wagon full of weapons)

Red: Man, Zeus is an asshole! I could be a WAY bigger asshole than HIM!

Blue: I can't argue with that.

(Lord Tourettes flies down to them as Hermes)

Lord Tourettes: Ha ha ha! I've got a TITTY-GRAM from Zeus! (hands Blue a scroll, giggles and flies away)

Blue: (opens the scroll and reads it outloud) Hmm.... let's see. (Reads): Heard what you said, stop. Think you can do my job, stop? Complete these challanges and scale Mount Olympus and then thow mace challange me, stop. PS. I saw your mom naked, stop. Last night while I was doing her, stop. She told me not to stop, full stop.

Red: What a ZEUSBAG!!!

Blue: Yeah, let's FUCK HIM UP!

(Dramatic music plays in the background as they walk towards Mount Olympus. They reach Mr. Dingleberry limping near a sign that reads " MOUNT OLYMPUS")

Mr. Dingleberry: Hey, foolie-coolies! What's the haps on the craps?


(At the same time)

Blue: Take those lightning bolts and cram it up his ass! Who's the god now, bitch?

Red: We gonna put soap in our socks and haze that motherfucker!

(Same time ends)

Mr. Dingleberry: Okay, but beware--

Blue: Yeah, whatever.

Red: Cool story, bro!

Blue: See ya.

(Both walk away from Mr. Dingleberry)

Mr. Dingleberry: Ehhh, where am I?

(Red and Blue walk up to a Roman colleseum. Blue sees three birds flying above.)

Blue: Heh heh. Birds.

(They walk inside and see two swords sticking out of the ground)

Blue: This must be the first challenge.

(They hear someone laughing and see Raccoon dressed as a samurai and has a sword in his hand)

Raccoon: Honto! What do we do in rife echoes in eternity?

Red: Gluteus Maximus! Yargh!

(Red and Blue pull the swords from the ground and charge at Raccoon who engages them in a swordfight. Raccoon knocks Blue down and steals Red's sword. He has contractions.)

Raccoon: (farts) Wait, wait! I have to shit. (Drops the swords and waddles away.)

Red: So, does that mean we win?

Raccoon: Yeah, yeah, fine.

Blue: Niiiiiice.

(Time lapse. California Love plays in the background while Red and Blue walk up to a treasure box.)

Blue: (the song abruptly ends) Waz dis shit?

(He kicks the treasure box open and lights come out of it.)

Blue: Ooh! Treasure.

(A blue box pops up with a text as Blue picks up the treasure. The text says: You got the 'Anti-Medusa Goggles'! Use these to protect against being turned into stone or a 'stoner'. Not to be confused with 'Day-Vision Goggles')

Red: (scoffs) We don't need this! (throws the goggles away)

Blue: Wai-wait! We might need that! (Hissing is heard and a green Medusa appears.) Fuck! (Turns to Red, who is pretending to be made of stone, and punches him, hurting himself) Ohh! (weakly) wahaaaahh...

Medusa: Bewarrre, adventurrrer, I, am Meduusssa, look into my eye and you shall be turned into stonnnnnne-rs

Red and Blue: NEVEEEERRR!!! GET HER!! (Red floats in mid-air for a while, but then they both slowly fall onto the ground with red eyes and a smile) Aaagh, fuck it...


Red: Agh! By Gandalf's beard, we made it... Jesus.

Zeus: (off-screen) Mortal fools! (On-screen): You have completed my challenges and scaled the mighty Mount Olympus. But to truly be a god, you must first win a game of Flip-Cauldron! THUNDER!

(Lightning comes out of Zeus)

Blue: Flip-Cauldron?

Red: Go ahead Zeus, make my day-iety.

(A song, sung by Red, plays as Red and Blue face Zeus in Flip-Cauldron):

♪Flippin' over cups, gettin' drunk on Mount Olympus.

Wasted out my mind, think someone will have to drive us.

Beer is tasting warm, but my shades are looking cool.

And I wake up in the mo--♪

(Burp sound)

(Time lapse. Someone belches and Blue and Zeus lie on the ground, while Red stands.)

Zeus: (drunk) Ahaha, I think I just won! I totally just won.

Red: (drunk) No way, we flipped your shit OVAR!

Blue: (drunk) You cheat, Dr Jones! (Collapses.)

Zeus: (drunk) I totally kicked your ass. Zeus is the man!

(Same time)

Red: Shhh shh shh shhh. Noo, noo. No, you die today. Die! Get in there, you get in there. You do it. Do it! YOU DIE! You get out here! (Pushes Zeus into a volcano)

Zeus: Hey, what are you doing? Stop it. You stop, I don't want to go in there! No, no, don't touch me, no, no, no AAAAGH!

(Same time ends)

(Zeus dies inside the volcano)

Red: (laughs) God is dead!

(Blue tries to high five Red, but smacks him in the face instead and they both faint)

-Episode ends-

(After credits)

Blue: You betrayed Shiva! Argh, crocodiles!

Dick Figures Title

Dick Figure 3


Recurring Gags

Auto-Tune Use

Red has the same tone at A Bee or Something when he said "that motherfucker".

Red Floating

Red was up in the air for a bit in front of Medusa before saying fuck it.

Episode Ending

  • The word "DICK FIGURES" appears with the "I"s replaced by goblets of alcohol tipped over.
  • Blue says "You betrayed Shiva! Argh, crocodiles!"

The Last Line Being Cut



  • Lord Tourettes as a messenger was a reference to Hermes in the Greek Mythology.
  • Near the end of the episode, Blue states, "You cheat, Dr. Jones!", a reference to Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, in which Indy's sidekick, Short Round, makes the same comment when playing poker with him.
  • Blue's line, "Heh, heh. Birds.", is a reference to Team Fortress 2. One of its trailers, Meet the Medic, features the Medic class making a similar statement about his pet doves and their antics including a special one called Archimedes .
  • When Blue opens the treasure chest, goggles appear on the format when introduced, is a reference to the Legend of Zelda.
  • Zeus' death is a reference to God of War when Kratos says, "I killed a god." Here, Red says, "God is dead."
    • "God is dead" is also a famous quote by German philososopher Friedrich Nietzche.
  • Red's line, "GLUTEUS MAXIMUS!" is a name of the muscles found in the butt.
  • This marks the second time that Raccoon said "Hunto", the first being Butt Genie.
  • Raccoon's samurai outfit look similar to Terminate-Her!, but with a different sword.
  • Raccoon quotes Maximus' line in the movie "Gladiator" before the charge at the beginning of the movie, "What we do in life echos in eternity."
  • The last info of the goggles may reference to day-vision goggles from Flame War.
  • This marks the second time that Blue has a happy ending, the first being We're Cops!.
  • Unlike the usual Blue "that does not drink", here, Blue drinks alcohol with Red.
  • This is the third episode where Lord Tourettes shows for a short time, the first being Zombies and Shotguns and the second is We're Cops!
  • Blue acts a bit like Red in this episode.
  • It's possible Chug-A-Chug-A-Brew-Brew might've happened shortly after the events of this episode, because Red and Blue both got drunk after a game of Flip Cauldron against Zeus and in this episode, Blue is still drunk. It is either that, or Red just took Blue to too many bars.
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